I didn't think it was possible....but I am more in love with my little man that I could ever imagine. I have always had that unconditional momma love for him but this is different. It's the "my heart is bursting and it hurts how much I love you and I instantly burst into tears" kinda love.
Last night I had a VERY overtired little fella. He simply couldn't close his eyes and go to sleep. And if you put him down he started screaming. (The silent cry...wait for it.....blood curdling scream and crocodile tears.) So we rocked. As I sit there cuddling my little man, rocking back and forth and alternating between singing Les Mis, "On My Own" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" it hit me. Ever so softly, this tiny hand touched my cheek and these beautiful blue eyes stared up at me. Instant tears (from me). I was a mess. At that point my singing got worse due to my hysterical sobbing. At that moment that sweet little hand that was gently cupping my cheek moved and placed its hand firmly on my mouth as if to stop me from singing. And those blue eyes sparkled back at me and a huge smile came from behind the "nunny" in his mouth. We both ended up in fits of giggles. Such a sweet moment....until I ruined it with my singing.
(*On a side note- whenever I sing songs that we played in band, I end up singing the French Horn part. I can't help it. It just happens. So perhaps my son will never know what the song truly sounds like. Perhaps he does know and him covering my mouth was a message. Who knows! But nobody else has to hear it so I will continue to sing the French Horn part. And yes, I get a lot of weird looks when I do the same thing with the National Anthem....but hey! I am a proud American and I will sing whatever part I want in the National Anthem!)
Tonight I had another one of those moments. I came home from cheer practice and Gus toddled quickly over to me while yelling at the top of his lungs. (It is loud but I secretly love it because it doesn't happen that often.) So I scooped up my little man and hugged him and kissed him. He snuggled right into the crook of my neck and settled in for a few minutes. Any time this happens, I soak it up. I stood there holding him and patting his back...and then it happened. A little one-year-old hand patted my back! (My mom tells me that I also did this when I was little. I'm sure a lot of kids do as they mimick their parents.) Again...instant tears. I couldn't help it. I love this little boy more and more!!
I often get asked about adoption and the most common question is, "Isn't it expensive?". My response, "You can't really put a price on loving a child." There is no question in my mind that I am so rich....even if it is just in hugs and pats on the back or cheek by a pudgy little hand. It makes me regret ever wondering if we could afford to adopt. How could we afford NOT to?